How do I let go of control?
When considering how we are able to let go of control, it is imperative to first understand what it is that we are attempting to control for and where the desire for control is stemming from.
Consider these questions below and recognize what comes up for you in reflection:
Do you desire to exercise increased control over you life?
Do you attempt to control your partner within your romantic relationship?
Do you strive to control the lives of those around you in subtle ways?
Do you use control as a tactic to remain safe from everyday uncertainties?
From my perspective as a trauma informed practitioner, I observe control as a present day manifestation of repressed pain. When we have experienced pain in the past, especially pain that exists outside of our ability to manage, we will do what instinctually feel safe in the moment and cope in ways that allow us to feel grounded. At times these coping strategies are helpful in the moment, but are not often built from thoughtful contemplation, rather an instinctual response to create greater perceived safety. This can look like the repression of pain so that it is unbeknownst even to our own awareness, because often times we can perceive ignorance as a form of bliss.
What can occur when this repressed pain is triggered by present day experiences, is a negative emotional response — feelings that makes us feel unsafe, unbalanced, or even as if we have been metaphorically transported back to a negative experience within our lives. In moments like this, control can feel like an incredibly positive coping strategy. Individuals might even feel or dictate explicitly that if they are able to control for the current circumstances, possibilities, and anticipate what is to come, comfort and grounding will arise.
This is a far departure from truth. Often times the reality is that at the intersection of experienced pain and repression we shift our belief systems in order to create for more control and security.
For Example:
If a person has been betrayed cyclically within their romantic relationships, they can begin to affirm beliefs such as:
Romantic partners cannot be trusted
In order for me to feel safe, I need to be hyperaware of moments where pain can show up so I can get prepared to respond
What is exemplified here is that experienced pain changes the way we navigate the world — beginning with our beliefs, and our beliefs manifesting as behaviors.
The beliefs dictated above give us insights into how our core beliefs (the fundamental beliefs about the self, others, and the world) can shift in response to experienced pain. At a first glance exercising control over our experiences feels positive as we aim create different experiences and respond adaptively to our pain. What we come to realize in contrast is that consistently being on guard in response to past hurts can encourage greater overall anticipatory anxiety and even keep us metaphorically and emotionally in the past — in that we respond to the anticipation of the past pain repeating as opposed to reflecting upon the opportunity of the present moment and engaging with intentionality and thoughtfulness. In some ways our bodies can be positioned in the present as our minds are trapped in the distant past.
Having an understanding of how our beliefs have been constructed through experience and a deeper understanding of how we are changed by emotional pain is not enough to show up in your life differently.
To courageously move the metaphorical needle forward we can consider the following:
01. Practicing Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance as asserted by Carl Rogers is a beneficial and difficult first step in cultivating change in any respect, due to our emotional attachments. Radical acceptance means accepting something fully without judgement in order to disarm the experience of a struggle and freeing up your energy to cultivate impactful change.
To begin the process of acceptance of past circumstances to create impactful change in the here and now, consider these questions below and recognize with honesty and vulnerability what comes to the surface for you. Often, greater objective assessment of a situation can bring about greater clarity.
What happened in this situation? What led to this situation? What role did I and others play in this situation? What control did I have in this situation? How did my response to this situation affect my thoughts and feelings?
02. Leaning into Self Compassion and Mindfulness
When we are considering how to move forward from a increased desire for control we can lean into self compassion and mindfulness as practices to alleviate tension.
What is often true for individuals in the aftermath of pain and tension is that we exercise control as a reflection of a deeper belief that, “If I was only able to ______________ then I wouldn’t have experienced this.” This belief stems from a place of onus for pain inflicted, when the responsibility is on the individual or circumstance that inflicted pain — our true responsibility is to ourselves and supporting ourselves through times of challenge.
The practice of self compassion as asserted and well researched by Kristen Neff, allows us to recognize that in the aftermath of pain we need not consider how we will control for pain happening again in the future, but rather to be with ourselves compassionately in a mindful way simply because pain happened. This skill is helpful to manage the unpredictability of the world that we live in and build resilience to emotionally charged external triggers. To encourage a compassionate pivot, we can begin to inquire:
If a loved one was experiencing the same pain as I am that is inspiring me to respond with increased control, how would I encourage them? How would I support them? What would they need to hear? What would they need to know confidently to feel more grounded?
What most individuals discover, is that when reflecting on how they would support a loved one, they find new insights about how they can be of support to themselves.
In addition to this practice, mindfulness asks us to be present with pain non judgmentally so we can exercise the freedom to choose how we would like to respond to situations, rather than responding automatically from a negative core belief influenced by pain. To learn more, visit my article on developing your mindfulness practice.
My intention is that upon reading this article, you learned something new, developed a new insight, or came across something that encourages you to ask more clarifying questions of yourself in order to courageously shift your relationship with control.
It is important to note that this article is for psychoeducational purposes and is not a stand in for individual therapy with a trained professional. Additionally, the practices described above are all dose dependent in that they will not cultivate change simply by practicing once, but by integrating these practices into your daily life — either independently or with the support of a trained professional.
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Helpful Links:
See the links below to resources that can assist you in learning more about the practice of relinquishing increased control through compassion, mindfulness, and acceptance.
How do I develop my mindfulness practice? - Charan M. Bashir
